For the past few months, I have been tormented by bullies. They weren’t schoolyard bullies, but instead a rotating group of mean old construction workers I pass by everyday better known as Locals 64, 184, and 218 of the AFL-CIO.  I occasionally sleep in the debris of the site they’re working on, so I’m there almost daily.

After getting me to eat medical waste for money the first time, they began giving me challenges every day, making me eat whatever they had lying around. It seemed like innocent fun, you know, a real gas! Despite the time spent in the hospital, I was having the time of my life! That is, until I asked to join them at the bar after work, and they laughed in my face. 

The worst part was that I thought I was making friends. I would spend hours every day sharing laughs with them (if I was conscious or didn’t have a mouthful of drywall) but little did I know that the laughter was at my expense.

Then, I decided that I had enough, and I was not going to take their bullstink anymore. They offered me twenty-five cents to eat a piece of balsa wood, but I ignored them. Instead, I hopped into the seat that controls the wrecking ball, and just started pressing buttons, moving knobs, and maniacally screaming. It was a wonderful feeling! It was so wonderful that I blacked out halfway through and woke up in the emergency room.

I woke up feeling a little underwhelmed. Since I wasn’t able to see the full extent of my revenge, I broke out of the hospital and went back to the construction site. I was still in my hospital gown, so I looked extra crazy! I created what I though was a bottle rocket, but it was just a soda that I shook really hard and shoved a flaming rag into. I threw it at one of the guys and they all started chasing after me! I jumped into a Wetzel’s Pretzels and lost them.

It was then that I realized that war is never the answer to a problem, it just creates a bigger one. I have since realized the error of my ways, and I plan on making it up to them by sneaking onto the construction site after hours, and rebuilding everything that I destroyed, alone. Hopefully then, we will be able to make peace, and maybe I’ll even find the friendship I was looking for.

“Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one.”
- Jack Lemmon

Photo by Lisa Jane Persky

Every month, I take a day and navigate a sewer system. I strap on a helmet, grab a flashlight, tape a laser pointer to my wrist, slip into some Scooba gear, pack some lunch(ables), fill some plastic bags up with air (for oxygen), and head underground.

You’d be surprised what you find in the sewers! One time I found some parts to a disassembled bicycle, and another time I found a bunch of loose silverware!

I’m the first to get these treasures (citing Finders v. Keepers, 1959), because people are “afraid” to go into the dark tunnels under the streets. They think that the rodents, dirty water, and corpses dumped by the mafia are harmful to your health. Not true! In fact, Bubba (a certified student nurse) told me that American sewers might actually be cleaner than most public bathrooms!

However, I did not realize how dangerous these sewer expeditions truly were until my trip into the sewers yesterday. I entered the sewer opening on 7th Ave. and 29th St. in Manhattan (aka “uncharted territory”), with my friend/rival Burt by my side.

It started off bad when Burt got tangled in a rat king. He got out easily, but it put him in a sour mood for sure. After that, Burt got even more ticked when he scraped his arm on a rusty pipe. About an hour into the expedition, I tripped on a loose brick, and fell face-first into a puddle of water. Before I knew it, Burt was leaning on my head, trying to drown me! I struggled to escape, but I was unsuccessful. I pretended to die (a trick I learned in my adolescence) and Burt soon started walking away from me. I hopped up to my feet, grabbed a brick, and bashed Burt in his ugly, stupid face.

That mingus Burt is currently in critical condition, and I can’t help but feel partially responsible for this, and now I’ve got an unshakeable case of the summer bummers.

This is where I have been living lately. I was evicted from my apartment (as seen in the hit docudrama, Steinjive) and I needed a place to stay! It just so happened that somebody left their car there (their tires were slashed by “somebody”), and I guess they didn’t have the time or money to move it out of the lot. What a coincidence.

So if you’re ever in the area, just hop the fence and say hello, and bring warm food, and maybe even a dog or cat that I could play with for a while.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, (or say, an abandoned car in the parking lot of the abandoned Service Merchandise in the seedy part of town) you should know that New York Noise on NYCTV is the go-to place for amazing music videos, unless you count the internet. The best thing, is that while watching the show, I sometimes pop up and turn the show from a 6.5 to a 7.3! I was more than honored to participate in the show’s 5th Anniversary Spectactular at Cake Shop*, and here’s what happened…

*For a place called “Cake Shop” they sure are picky about people asking for free samples of cake.

I had a terrifying experience with the genie-esque King Khan and BBQ Show. It was all captured on videotape, showed on television on NYCTV’s New York Noise and can now be seen via the world wide web.